| I'm one of those people that gets caught in a flurry and when I drop all the balls, it hits me big style. The last few weeks have been a stressful, full on climax of getting things organised for the business. Most recently, its been the business, the sick kid and my study. When I saw this job, I threw myself right into the prospect that I could really have this job. I was in an interview for nearly THREE hours. The questions were tough and uncompromising. I felt confident with most of my answers, bar a question about feminist ideologies. I don't see how anyone can claim one particular line of thought. I mean, even people that follow a particular religion must think that some bits of it aren't quite right. No one can wholely agree with one particular theory 100% and I would query someone that embraced everything they were told and read. Wasn't it Socrates that said we need to question everything or else its not much a life? Maybe not in those words! Anyway I was pretty drained after the interview. My head felt like cotton wool, I could barely think straight. One of the subjects we also touched on was my direct personality. The Manager commented that whilst she liked my direct, assertive nature, she wondered if I'd really 'fit in.' She's absolutely right of course, NZ is a struggle because I'm the way I am. Sometimes I try to keep my mouth shut and fit in, but bits of me always slip out! Some people love it, others can't stand it. Kiwis really are the sort of people that aren't very direct, asking for anything is like pulling teeth, establishing a rapport with people - I find, is very difficult because you never know what anyone is thinking. This job interviewed really epitomised how different I am here, and how unusually I'm regarded. Yesterday I carried my phones around with me religiously. I really wanted this job, it was all I could think about. Towards the end of the day, I realised it didn't look good for me. Sure enough, I was rejected for the role on the basis that this other woman had more experience. I think that's a croc. I think its because, 1, I don't embrace feminist views and 2, my personality. Steve didn't think it was a big deal, its just a job rejection afterall and we've all had those. For me, it was a rejection of myself. It was a reminder of how out of place I am here, afterall, they'd accepted my late application and considered me in writing, but meeting me, they'd changed their minds. I just felt like crap. I told Steve that I didn't know what to do. I love him, and the girls and I wouldn't change a thing about that, but otherwise, outside of the house, I have no purpose, no direction. I'm a Mother, I should have figured all this out by now. I'm not accepted here in NZ and to add to that I don't know what I'm supposed to do. My assignment has hit a road block, its all so meaningless to me. If I was single, I would be with the Red Cross or some other simliar aid organisation, out in a forgotton war torn town lobbying for their rights, helping out those around me. I can't do that with a family as Steve says, we have commitments, we need to provide for them financially and give them stability. If course, once they're old enough, we'll drag them with us, they need to see how different the world is out there. So, this job rejection highlights to me how difficult I'm finding it being somewhere I don't like. I can focus on the business, I can enjoy the views, I can tick along. But deep down, to the core, I feel so useless. Do I think it'd be different anywhere else in the world? I think I've travelled enough to recognise that I've never felt like this before. I love people, I love diverse cultures, I love learning and drinking in the energy of a vibrant country, its not like that here. I don't begrudge anyone that loves their lives here, I love to hear people's happy stories, I'm happy for them. I just, at times, feel really claustrophobic. I don't want the UK, although at times, the prospect appeals a lot more than here. I don't know, I'm just waffling. For me, I thought this position would at least give me a sense of purpose, a direction, the chance to utulise my previous experiences. Instead, I ruined it for me - because I'm me. Pants. |