I'm so annoyed as I write this.  Nothing new there I suppose!  I've always for some god forssaken reason been the sort of person that attracts these emotionally unstable types.  The words, 'I wouldn't normally tell anyone this but...' haunt me on an almost weekly basis.  It seems that people feel 'safe' with me, despite the fact I'm actually quite a bitch, they want to divulge personal atrocities and life struggles.  Often I am left uncomfortably peeling someone who's heartbroken off my floor after an hour of some sort of breakthrough I suspect therapists would charge quite a few bob for!  Steve is left dismissed and frankly quite annoyed at the amount of time I have spent with people.  Giving what is essentially my 'all' to this stranger that 'needs' a shoulder.  I suffer with this guilt syndrome you see.  If I don't listen, no one will, and I should act on this private heartbreak and help this poor vulnerable soul.  Or maybe, some may argue, its a hero complex, where I need to solve these problems.  Either way, its become a life hazard for me, and the payout is pretty bloody slim!  Mostly in fact, it brings a lot of burden to me.  As I get older, I'm not bloody learning either.  I struggle and continue to struggle with this simple question:  How much is too much?  I don't want to be cynical and closed off, but I am tired of being treated like a fool.  Like the last Nanny for example, who proclaimed her innocence about the theft allegations.  I stood by her and sure enough, she had been hoarding stolen items in her room - in our house.  I was devastated, but I still stood by her.  I've realised her pattern now though, she gets all sickly sweet with me and then BOOM I'm hit by some 'favour' request.  It usually happens when she's down in Wellington for her court sessions and needs a place to stay.  I have happily grown wise to this now, but it didn't stop her most recent attempts at manipulating me that saw me sat up writing a character reference for lawyer to show the Judge.  Steve stood there, 'what the hell are you doing?' but again I felt this guilt syndrome, if I didn't help her somewhere, no one else would.  I pay this cleaner weekly, who does a god awful job, but I felt sorry for her story about becoming single again late in life and her struggle to get 'back on track.'  Of course, there have been many more examples, far too many to count, but on this occasion my anger is with this someone recently.  I wrote only recently in my blog about how humbling her situation was, she's been down on her luck and where I can help her, I do.  Its come to the point where I've basically been throwing money at her .  I've had my suspicions that she's been using me.  Perhaps I have exhibiting my doubts about her without actually verbally communicating that.  She's started to become aware of this and perhaps realised she's erring incredibly close to losing a good thing. Sure enough, I found her this morning, lying on my kitchen floor in tears.  Swearing and cursing the world, all the people in it and the bible??!!  Luckily the girls weren't around.  And no, despite my recent experiences, its not the new Nanny!  Unforunately, she had picked rather a bad time for her nervous breakdown, as I had to drive Steve to drop his car off.  It was hard to make her leave, but she did.  This woman is 57.  She has a 15 year old daughter.  She has responsibilities.  I accept she's had a bloody difficult time of it, about 5 years ago and relied very heavily on those around her.  But that's a lot of time, her daughter needs her and she's been given so many chances and help by people around her.  But still she continues to effectively ruin her chances of ever getting herself anywhere.  I can only help her so much.  I can't live her life for her.  I can't carry her.  I barely know her and I have a family that need my energy and my time.  She called about an hour ago, in tears.  I explained I had just made dinner and will call her back.  So here I am, tired and dreading this call.  Now the guilt syndrome.  Am I the only one to help her right now?  Possibly.  But then how can I help her when she can't help herself?  I know that I'll find myself continually in this situation.  I don't know what it is about me that makes people think I can heal the world!!  I would struggle to burden friends when I'm having a hard time of it.  Let alone the first person that looks in my direction.    Anyway, in MY News, which I will write freely about my blog, but wouldn't talk about in person, is my concern surrounding Steve's health.  He's had some 'problems' recently - healthwise.  A few months ago we had a scary possibility thrown in our faces which shook our little world.  But after some tests, we seemed to be in the clear.  Unfortunately, we find oursevles back to the original fears.  Now we have more tests to face.  Its been a busy few weeks, we're both tired and run down.  That is hopefully all it is.  Ah bugger.