| My cold is really bad. I feel absolutely dreadful. I've been to the chemist and there is nothing apparantly safe for me to take. The chemist did make me a little potion thing to inhale from a bowl of boiling hot water. After it initially knocked my head off, I was back to the same old slobbering mess. I've been incredibly emotional all day. Even chasing across the city of wellington to buy what was apparantly the only bottle of Dom Perignon in this region didn't distract me from the what's going on tomorrow. I've bought lovely Cinderella dolls for Moons and Pip, they're sat wrapped in the boot, gifts from the baby to them to help them accept her a little better. I had a little chat with Moons earlier about what to expect on Friday, it unsettled her a great deal. Pip has been even clingier than usual. She's really enjoyed this exclusive attention from Steve and I over the last couple of weeks. I suffered terrible guilt when Pip was born, how I'd turned little Moons world upside down with a new addition. I would never regret it now though, they're the best of friends - most of the time! I do feel achingly alone with my fears and anxieties over tomorrow. Just because I've done it twice already doesn't make it any easier. New country, new system. I've planned pain relief this time, I might not have time, but it would be good to avoid the excruciating pain of childbirth, especially with this hideous head cold. I am excited of course about the new addition, I'm glad that tomorrow sees the end of this pregnancy and marks a whole new chapter in our life. I'm relieved that for once, we won't be moving quickly afterwards and that everything is in place. But I do miss being able to talk to familiar faces. Although Mum isn't the best person to offer support after having a baby because of her more traditional views (its been one day already - get up, clean the house and start working on that baby fat), I still would rather fancy a natter to her about this impending birth. So many things have struck me over this week. The speed at which this point has arrived. The fact that just a few months ago, I was back working full time again, we had arranged childcare so I could establish some freedom away from the usual routines. An identity outside of being a Mother. Today I wondered past the 'Parents room' and got thinking about how I will be back again, carrying luggage for the baby, stressing about public feeds, nappy changes, colic, etc. Unable to dash out at a moments notice. Back to unloading a pushchair and negotiating it through doors and stores. With Moons it was such a different world, new, worrying and yet exciting. With Pip it felt so pragmatic, I accepted all of that without thinking about it. Now, third time around, it feels heavy and binding. Kind of new again, but less exciting. I'm anxious about how tomorrow will go. Surely I can't be that lucky three times to have three beautiful, healthy girls?? How will my body cope? What if I suffer the same god awful mess that my overdue, overweight Pip brought?!! What if I look at the baby and it seems so alien? What if the girls take one look at the baby and feel like their lives are ruined?! How will I get through this with this damn cold? I can barely breathe just walking up the stairs, how can I expect to breathe and push like my life depends on it? So many thoughts are swarming around my tired and fuzzy head. I called the Nanny earlier - just wanted to make sure everything was still OK, maybe get some sort of reassurances. She was so warm and pleasant. I told her Moons wouldn't be at school tomorrow, she said that was good because she'd be able to get to know them. She was on her way to bed at 8.30pm to prepare for her day tomorrow. So thoughtful! We'll be leaving the girls so early tomorrow, just the fact that we'll be up at the crack of dawn will bring attention to the fact that something isn't quite right in their world. My hope is that shortly after the birth, Steve will go and get the dudes and bring them in to see the baby and me. I can't stand to be away from them for too long. I can't believe this is it, and I'm unravelling into an emotional blubbing mess! I thought I would feel relief. I don't anticipate much sleep tonight. I wish I could fast forward and see when I'm at tomorrow night. |