| Today, Steve, Pip and I met with our good friends, Jac and Adie to drive over to the Wairapa to a wildlife sanctuary. It was nice to just take Pip because we rarely get time with her, instead our attentions are divided between the two girls. Pip found the big walk a bit of a struggle! And towards the end, simply gave up! It was just wonderful though, another perfect Autumn day. Clear skies, with a chilly wind. It felt so good to be surrounded by trees and bush, the smell of pine and bush always smells so good. It reminds me of camping and exploring like the old days! And the chilliness reminded me of home. Being away and out like that has given me such a huge desire for a holiday. There has been so much stress and I would love to switch off for longer than just a few hours. You know that feeling when you're just totally and utterly exhausted. Your brain, your body, your heart and soul just feel drained of all energy resources. My nights I spend worrying about finances, where we are going to move, the girls, the pregnancy, just everything. My days are trying to manage the problems! We are working really hard to get on top of our finances and we are getting there, it does feel good to push forward. But everything else is really just plodding along. Life has become a monotony again. I get up, I get ready, get the girls ready, do the washing, try to sort through the day's issues as they arise and then go to bed again. Although I don't expect a daily whirlwind of excitement, I do wish I felt more than keeping to my routine. Its hard to stay motivated and in focus when you're not sure what's going to happen and where you want to be heading. Pregnancy hormones merely add to my exhaustion and emotional instability. Yesterday was a miserable day for me. I lay around, crying often and feeling really shot to pieces. Steve struggled to understand why I felt like that. He gets his release when he goes to work, when he works on his laptop formulating all kinds of incredible analytical work (for his UK job). He remains focused on his career and has all these big ideas on where he wants to work and what he wants to do in the long term. I find it rather bordering on niavity. And me? I just gaze into the distance remembering all the things I used to achieve and thinking about dreams that seem so out of reach. I wish I was like a battery pack. I could just plug myself in for a few hours, get charged and ready to go. |