| When I toured the states - making my dream location - a small town in Texas, I had a fantastic time. One of the best times of my life. I made so many friends and befriended the local police. I got to read through some fantastic cases and was treated like family. I really loved it. One guy in particular really took care of me. A very weathly Lawyer, well travelled and incredibly intelligent. His family were the warmest people I have ever met and had a life that most people only dream of. A rustic farm home, with chickens running around the front yard, four adopted dogs that they had found abandoned on deaths door, and had taken them in. They were wealthy, but not in a trashy American way. Their wealth was quiet. They had a holiday home near a lake that was done like a little house on the pararie! With patchwork quilts and old fashioned furniture. It was so warm and cosy. Everything about these people sparked warmth and caring. As a lone backpacker I felt myself becoming drawn into this perfect lifestyle. The lawyer had previously been cheated on by his fiance, he was desperate to love and be loved again. Any woman would have been treated like a princess. We had so much in common, but things became increasingly strained between us. He had some affection for me, which he was keen to explore and I felt nothing. But I hated myself for not feeling anything. This guy was perfect in every sense of the word and although I don't usually rate Americans, he was so well travelled, articulate and well read. He had a fantastic sense of humour. Everything slotted so well, and yet I felt nothing. I stayed as a guest for some time enjoying my friends and the hospitality there and everyone seemed to think I would stay forever. I couldn't bear though to be in the company of a guy that clearly adored me, I felt bad and I knew it would be unfair to stay. I eventually left my stay in a perfect world and moved on with my travels. The lawyer and I stayed in contact for a long time. He wrote once to suggest us trying for something more. Eventually he found love with a woman, had a child and wrote to me about his new life. He was happy, life was blessed. Today I received an email out of the blue from him with a link to the local newspaper. He has become a Judge. The photo showed a young, healthy, vibrant guy who has worked hard and deserves only the very best. I am so happy for him. It leads me though to think about my own life and decisions I have made. This morning (before I even read the email) I realised that I had become the sort of woman I hate, skirting very close to turning into my Mother In Law (only without the psychotic tendancies). I no longer work, I nag my husband, I feel sorry for myself. People irritate me, things irritate me. A constant yapping dog across the street, my car insurance renewal. I don't socialise anymore and I can't even be bothered to socialise anymore. I have nothing in common with anyone. There is a constant battle of problems, which there has been since our arrival. Still we struggle with international banking to such a degree that we've asked to pay our rent later - a whole week later. Our recyling bin was stolen and the mere fact that someone could take something - no matter how small - that doesn't belong to them is beyond me. It angers me. My life has become a tedious routine and I wonder, where did I start to lose control of my life...again. I emailed the guy that offered me the fantastic job in Auckland, the opportunity to actually do something important. He emailed back with the link about the project and the campaigns on the television, things I've seen, big, important things that I could have been part of, but in seeking a better life for us have missed out on. Steve called earlier, he's been in a narky mood this morning because I kept on reminding him to take the bin out - like the nagging bitch of a wife I am. I was irritable over the phone, he was irritable back. Another daily routine of ours - bitching at it other. Secretly resenting each other for this mess. Where did we get it so wrong? How can we get back to a place where we wake up every morning, contented. No miracles, just at peace with the world? |