Just remembered that May 18th would have been the birthday of 'Peanut.'  Our first baby, that we sadly miscarried.  The date we would usually do special on, got lost because of all the stress with the house nonsense.  I'm so angry at myself for forgetting.  Steve remembered but said he didn't want to mention it because I was so stressed he didn't want to upset me further.  I'm annoyed he didn't share it with me, its grief that only the two of us can share, and its a time to recognise how lucky we are to have our two beautiful daughters.  Moons was conceived less than two weeks after we lost Peanut, so Steve says he likes to think of that Peanut went away and came back as Moonie.  We were incredibly lucky to have Moonie so quickly, I don't know how either of us could have coped with the loss.  I can't express what its like to be pregnant one minute and know something isn't right, but there's nothing you can do, and then not be pregnant.  The feeling of emptiness, anger and everything else is just so overwhelming.  The miscarriage was just after my Nan died as well.  So when we discovered I was pregnant, it was like a gift from my Nan, as the Maori believe, where there is death, there is life. 

So, this entry is my tribute to Peanut.   The baby I loved and lost.  An acknowledgment of how lucky I am to have my two beautiful daughters, and an apology for not remembering the pain and loss, and knowing it would have been third birthday.

xxx