| So, I swing from sadness, to relief to crying, to smiling. The event has become, 'the accident,' and for the first couple of days, Steve and I referred to it in passing without really thinking about the depth of the situation, does that make sense? Anyway, one evening we got talking about it, and Steve broke down and cried. He told me that evening when he'd picked me up from the hospital and me and the girls were tucked up in bed, he sat out on the sofa and just cried. The reality of how close he had come to losing us really hit him. And so I cried to, as I recalled how for those few seconds I had absolutely no control of my future. There was a split second of realising I was going to hit the car, a moment of losing sight and then a flood of, is Moons OK? The car's a right off, is everyone else OK? Am I going to die? Must stay calm for my daughter, etc. I've since been to the doctor for some much stronger pain relief, thank god. It really takes the edge off, and I have some mobility back at last, it also means I can nap during the day. It does leave me a bit spacey though and a little disorientated at times. Breastfeeding is a complete no-no, so my baby is very unhappy. I feel like I've let her down. Although I intended to breastfeed for six months, I still would have preferred the option to give when I wanted. Steve doesn't understand why I feel that way. He's not coping so well, the baby screams for food and Moons screams for everything, the house gets messy and he really can't keep up. He gets frustrated easily and I get annoyed because I like the house to be clean all the time, so I keep cleaning when I can. Today I scrubbed the kitchen and the bathroom and I sort of got mad about it, like it had to be spotless. Afterwards my chest ached so much, it felt like it was on fire. I was silly I know. But I feel like I need to be doing something. I can't pick my daughter's up and play with them, I just feel so useless. I keep getting scratchy with Steve, but I don't know why, he's so worried about me and he's really trying his best. I'm not sure what I expect from him. I figure it'll take a few weeks for me to deal with it all. I am happy to be here, I don't know I would have done if this had happened in the UK, I think I might have had a melt down! I've never thought about a car crash before, how I might feel. Who does? There's an array of emotions. I guess I must sound like I feel sorry for myself. I just feel sore, and I just WISH this hadn't of happened. We have such dramatic highs and lows and I'm pretty tired of it. I would just like a normal uneventful life for a while! |