I put the car on ebay, as like usually happens, some people emailed me privately to make offers.  The reserve on ebay had already been met, and its quite probable that if we'd let the auction run, we could have made as much money as we had wanted to.  But with ebay, there is always this concern about time wasters and time at the moment is very precious.  We discussed it and decided to accept an offer from whomever literally turned up at the house first.  They arrived not long after noon today and took away my gorgeous little car red car.  As soon as I saw it being driven up the hill I started to cry.  I know you shouldn't put so much emotion into a material object, but I really did love my car.  She's fast, she's stylish and she's never let me down.  We used to race around the fields, and I knew every part of her, I could handle her so well.  I'm completely gutted.  Steve said there wasn't much point in keeping her on my parents drive, throwing money at it and letting it rust.  Of course I agree, I wouldn't have wanted that either.  And I understand that the extra money will come in handy for our new life, and yes, I'll have another car.  But its another finality.  Another reinforcement that time is coming to end for my old life.  My parents are really emotional, Mum keeps verging on tears all the time.  Dad's really quiet and forlorn.  I feel so sorry for them.  I am excited, Steve is very excited to be returning home but he does understand that I am leaving behind my friends and family. 

We're going to pick up a rental car tomorrow.  I can't bear the thought of not having a car for a whole week.  It means that Caitlin can still attend school for the last couple of days and  I've decided to head down to Reading and see my Nan again.   I'm also toying with the idea of visiting my other Nan's grave.  I've not been since she died four years ago, and dad admitted a few weeks ago that he was disappointed that I hadn't been.  My Nan and I were so very close and I couldn't bear the pain of the grave.  In my mind, she's still very much alive.  In her flat, smoking near the kitchen window, giving me chocolate and giggling with me like a school girl.  My worry is that I'll see the grave and those images will disappear.  I've certainly still got grief and pain that is bubbling away under the surface, and I don't think I could confront that.  But this life is ending, and I feel it would only be right to face my fears and say goodbye to my Nan.  We'll see!

In the meantime I am missing my car terribly.  Did I drive her enough?  Did I appreciate the freedom of having a car enough?  When things have ever gotten too much, I get in my car, put the music on and annoy all the villages by charging around.  A slide here, a fishtail there.  Life always seemed so much easier when I could drive away at any point and keep on driving. 

God, I loved that car.