I was concerned that these tablets might make me numb, or lead me to question whether I was feeling 'true emotions', was I really happy or is it just the drugs talking?  I didn't want to feel spaced, and I don't want to become dependant.  As it happens these tablets are a mild dose, the purpose of them is to calm me.  And they're working.  I feel completely normal, only less prone to breaking down into tears, or tearing strips into my poor husband for no reason!  I still worry about things, but I don't spend ages getting myself into a panicky mess.  I function normally, and I'm not spaced, I certainly feel a  lot more in control.  I wanted these tablets as a stop gap to get me through the next few weeks and they're certainly going to help fulfill that.  I sleep much better and feel refreshed in the mornings, and I've been thinking a lot about our move to NZ.  I've made calls in preparation and focus on spending time on the beach, and how good its going to be for the girls.  I kind of lost my focus before, I knew I was going, but couldn't see beyond the misery I was stuck in.  Now I feel better equipped to handle the move.  Its still very stressful of course!  There is so much more I need to do and arrange, and I still have moments where I think, am I doing the right thing?  But deep down I know I am, and I expect it to be stressful, if it was easy, everyone would be an expat!  Its such a bizarre feeling to know that in a few weeks, I'm going to have left the UK, for good!  No more Tesco, no more family, no more Eastenders!!  Its just such a strange feeling.  I know that I've done it before, but this time it feels more permanent.  I'm really looking forward to being settled again.  I think its really hitting my parents, my Dad is soaking up all the time he can with the girls, its so upsetting to know how sad he's going to be.  He's made a couple of comments about wishing we weren't going.  He'd never full on ask us not to go, but he clearly wishes we would change our minds.  Its so wonderful that he loves the girls so much, and that he's appreciating every second with them.  I think its dawning on Mum as well, she really enjoys her time with Pip.  Maybe not as much with Moons, but I think she's improved a lot, which is better than nothing.  She is certainly being really good with Steve and I, but that was never an issue, she has always been very good to us, except for babysitting!!!  Or offering support with the girls!  - But I guess you can't have everything! 

Well, I better go, Pip's getting irritable, poor thing has a terrible skin infection.  She looks dreadful!  The little baby has certainly done it tough since her arrival.  I'm sure she'll be a lot healthier in NZ though, as we all will - I hope!