So, the last few days have been an incredible, emotional roller coaster, if I had written down each emotion as they happened, people would think I was bi-polar!  The other day was particularly bad, following as usual a sleepless night, care of Pip.  Despite having a better few days previously, I started to feel like I was losing the plot again, tired and sick of trying to hold everything together.  I decided I would have to talk to Steve and make him realise that this was more than just a rough day.  I pre-empted how the conversation would go, he would probably tell me in a less than understanding way to effectively 'get on with it' and try to focus on the next few weeks.  I felt angry anticipating this response because I'm fed up trying to tick along, sometimes I feel like I'm in a fish bowl, functioning with spectators watching me, waiting for me to crack.  And where Steve is concerned, he wouldn't be worried unless he came home one day to find me clucking like a chicken walking into walls.  However, when Steve did get home I tiredly told him I felt I'd had enough.  He expressed his concern and suggested I see the GP, his insightful observations of my feelings made me realise just how much he did understand and that he wasn't actually turning a blind eye, instead he had obviously been silently observing me and had chosen this moment to verbalise his thoughts.  I felt this instant rush of relief, he cares so deeply for me, and his way of talking to me made me feel less ashamed of my feelings.  I felt less alone and more accepting of the fact that yes, I wasn't very happy and I was stressed and struggling, and why shouldn't I feel this way?  We decided I would go and see the GP the next day.  However, that night I started to feel very disappointed with myself.  People experience such terrible things in their lives and yet here I am, so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to, and I'm just feeling sorry for myself.  I felt guilty for feeling this way, I basically felt like shit.  The next morning, I had symptoms of flu and decided that this would be the best excuse not to see the GP afterall.  Steve was adament that we were going.  During the visit though, the Doc confirmed my worst fears.  It seemed my initial feelings had been correct, I should just muster along and get over it.  She wasn't very understanding at all, and being tired and ill, I didn't have the energy to try and get my point across.  As we left the surgery I had this dreadful feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Why have I allowed myself to get so down?  I should just get myself together, but why can't I?  Am I weak?  I realised at that moment I was completely confused and this visit had really worsened my feelings.  Torn between wanting to get over it, and knowing that I was beyond that.  I had to tell Steve how I felt, and he said we'd have to go back tomorrow.  We'd have to get this sorted.  I felt withdrawn and didn't want to face it again.  But Steve was right.  This morning I went back, saw a different Doc who fully appreciated my position.  She didn't seem to think I was mental.  Just a Mother of two, with lots of different stresses to deal with, who was having some trouble keeping afloat.  She prescribed a mild antidepressant and said I would feel the calming properties within a few days.  I felt relieved from that appointment.  At home the post arrived and there was Jessica's passport!  A big concern of mine out the way.  Today felt like more of a 'tying up loose ends' kind of day.  I feel more relaxed and focused again, this is without the meds!  I feel stronger just for speaking out about my feelings and I feel more in control again for admitting to not being in control!  I know that there will still be good and bad days, but at least I'm actually doing something proactive about it.  My biggest fear has been that I get so downtrodden here, that when we arrive in NZ, I will feel pushed over the edge and I won't enjoy it so much.  I hope that now, maybe with the help of the meds, the move will be more smooth.  We do have a lot to look forward to, I can see it, I just can't always see it well enough to get any strength from it.  Steve has racked up a busy first week when we get there with interviews, and we've spoken with the people that own the lifestyle block a lot and they seem really friendly and helpful, so that's reassuring.

I know this all seems terribly depressing, and I wouldn't usually let everything get to me so much, but its been such a dreadful couple of years and I think everyone has a limit.  I've heard people say that you don't get more in life than you can handle, and I've always said that trouble in life is like a wake up call to check you're still alive.  I'm sure everyone has a view similiar to these.  My situation is very temporary and situational.  I really am looking forward to resuming a normal life and feeling just that bit stronger from this episode.