OK, so its 3am while I write this.  I think I've finally had enough.  I wanted to write this all down and capture this moment, so that hopefully in the future when I'm feeling better, it'll be interesting to read back.  So today, had the car went to get Steve.  The road I used was closed, as usual I felt a burning rage of fury, HOW DARE SOMEONE HAVE AN ACCIDENT ON THAT ROAD.  Irrational?  Yes, but I don't seem to have any rationale at the moment.  The diversion route was extremely busy so I thought I'd try and be clever and take some back roads.  Ended up lost, very, very lost.  Not funny, furious, I've now resorted to chain smoking.  Earlier I took Pip to the Doctor because she's not getting any better.  She has an upper respitory infection, although I think the rash is getting worse so I don't know if it is that.  She's on antibiotics which has made her already upset tummy even worse.  She's not sleeping, hasn't slept all night.  Steve knows I'm not feeling very happy at the moment, but I'm still the one down here alone tending to her.  He made a half arsed attempt to make sure I was OK, but I feel even more isolated and alone.  Caitlin was so naughty today, I had to give her a time out which I didn't want to do because it further reinforces that I'm spending time with Pip while she's up in her room.  But she kept trying to hit me.  When I dropped her off at playschool I told the staff that she might be a bit more rowdy today because of earlier and with her sister being ill and getting more attention.  They informed me tonight that on the contrary, she's been more quiet and withdrawn than usual.  Great.  Now I feel like an even worse Mum.  Its obviously getting to her.  Pip is just screaming in pain, her nappy rash has flared up because of her upset tummy, I'm racing through nappies here and I'm washing clothes everyday.  She is so unhappy, I can't bear to see her this way, but I'm powerless.  I had this huge, horrible feeling today that what if we get to NZ and things don't get any better?  Steve's excited about this lifestyle block that he's found to rent for a short period of time when we arrive, as opposed to the apartment we had planned.  I'm not so sure, its outside someone's house for goddssake!  it won't be private, they'll be able to check on us all the time, I'm really not sure about it at all.  He's also excited because he's arranged a few interviews after our arrival.  I can't get excited at all.  I'm just so tired and miserable.  I know that when we get to NZ, we won't have my parents to contend with, but it'll still be me and the girls.   I'll still spend my days changing nappies, washing clothes, trying to do the best by them but feeling like I've failed.  Its unfair of me to say that, I feel guilty just writing it.  I love my daughters.  I just need a good kick up the backside.  I hate hearing people like me, self-pitying.  People should just get on with their lives, not wallow in it.  But I feel like I've lost my fight.  Its been such a stressful couple of years.  We've been moving, having babies, financial trouble.  My god, its just a mess when I look back.  I'm supposed to keep feeling strong and getting out of bed in the morning with a smile on my face like everything is OK.  If I don't, I'm just a miserable old cow, which I'm sure Mum and Dad would comment on, and Steve won't understand, he'll just say, well, we're going soon, what's the problem.  And what IS the problem?  I've got two beautiful girls, a wonderful, loving husband, parents that love me, and I'm about to embark on a new life in NZ  and here I am, still finding things to complain about.  I just feel so down, I don't know how much more I can take.  I feel weak and fragile.  I just want someone to come along, scoop me up and hold onto my emotions for me.  I want a break is effectively what I'm saying.  I've not had ANY time to myself.  Steve gets to work everyday.  He gets other adult conversation, he gets a release from the stress at home by concentrating on projects.  I wish I had that.  We're really edging our bets on our move to NZ. We're both hoping its going to be a miracle cure.  And you know what happens to people that place that much expectation on these things?  They end up writing bitter posts on the British expat website, having a go at everyone and complaining all the time!