Am I any closer to my goals?  A little I guess.  Last night I had a bit fat pregnancy melt down!  I cried about how useless I felt and how I felt so restricted, I cried because I need to get Pip into creche for a few hours a week because she desperately needs some exposure to her own peers, and I cried because I felt guilty.  I cried because I want a holiday and I cried because long drives and flights and ferries are too hard and too uncomfortable.  Grrroan!  On the plus sides, I received a letter about my student loan, or so I thought.  It was a 'you have been declined' letter on the basis of me not being a permanent resident for 24 months.  I was bitterly disappointed, because although possible I thought it might make things financially a little easier what with a third child and all.  I didn't realise though until talking with Steve that you pay per paper, not for the whole thing straight up!  Silly me!  Also, when I called the agency to give them my speech on how a resident is a resident regardless of time I discovered that the rejection was not for the loan but for subsidies paid by the government for things like rent and childcare, etc when one parent is studying.  Phew!  I knew I wouldn't qualify for that, so who cares?!  I felt reassured that my loan was still a possibility, and study in July may soon become a reality.  I also met with this woman from the agency about a live in for the girls.  The woman was fanbloodytasic, very warm and professional.  The company has excellent procedures and she provided for me a CV, cover letter and pictures of a girl who had seen our family information and was very keen to work and live with us.  This girl seems on paper the perfect Mary Poppins, only younger!  She's from good stock, she has a wealth of experience and seems very warm and genuine.  She's Hungarian, living in Austria and ready to fly out at a moment;s notice for a job offer.  I'm waiting anxiously to hear back from the representative in Europe to see when we can get the ball rolling.  I'm really excited about her arrival.  The girls would greatly benefit and I would be keen to have some time out, as I know they would!  I then met with a woman who runs the voluntary service here in Welly.  She was very nice and we hit it off straight away.  She was eager to get me on board BUT had some reservations about the pregnancy.  I agreed, I feel the same.  With good management I think its possible, but its down to whether the higher powers that be allow it.  I don't think working part time is going to happen.  I'm disappointed not to have heard from my contact in Wellington.  I have also made contact with another immigration agency, this one based in Canada and seemngly well respected, I was able to get a recommendation from someone on the BE website.  We've got the points and his fees aren't too bad either, so it looks like the process will be begin very shortly.  Fingers crossed!  Roll on end of June when I know where I'm at!

I have received some of the paperwork required to enrol at university, but I am still awaiting information from the company that deals with student loans.  I've got until July, so I am trying not to pace the house concerned that I'll miss deadlines.  I've made contact with another agency a few days ago, she seems very professional and I am meeting with her this evening to discuss our live in childcare arrangements.  She already has someone in mind, so I'm excited to get this sorted out.  I've been liasing with another agency that are like a recruitment agency already, they charge huge fees for the priviledge and although I was initially impressed I've been sent some pretty random cvs to review and so far I've continually hit brick walls.  I was feeling quite disheartened until I happened across this other agency advertising on trademe would you believe.  I also decided to advertise our needs on a 'casual' basis with a good company online.  I've had some replies and I'm arranging interviews in the week.  Although they're not live in, they are able to help on an ad hoc basis and even just do babysitting for us which would be really helpful.  I've been quite taken aback by the responses, some are 50+ year old women looking to earn some extra cash, their experience is stated as being a 'Grandmother.'  I have also started to consider the prospect of voluntary counselling work for victims of crime.  Its something I got into back in Auckland, but have also done in some of the various other countries I've lived in.  I'm meeting someone on Thursday to discuss this.  There are a few considerations that make me wary.  Firstly, being pregnant would have some limitations, particularly if I'm called to a car accident in the middle of night, I'd have a hard time trying to clamber over bits of debris with this ever increasingy belly and my balance is quite off.  Plus the tiredness that would be 10 fold during shift work.  I'm going to discuss all of this and how I can best manage it on Thursday.  I would like to be doing something worthwhile though until the baby comes.  I have also contacted the mirror of the organisation that offered me that great job in Auckland here in Wellington.  It was actually the guy in Auckland that gave me her contact details.  Again, I have explained in an email that I am pregnant so I couldn't work permanently, but would be happy to work on a part time temporary basis.  I know its not an entirely welcoming prospect for a potential employer, but I have to try.  I finally saw the Dr about my acid reflux. I was disappointed to learn that the previous medication I was on is classed as a category 'B' tablet.  Meaning that its not even tested on pregnant animals, let alone pregnant women! A slightly better alternative is 'B1' which means its only been tested on pregnant animals, but hasn't been given the go ahead to test on pregnant women.  So all the statistics refer to pregnant rats!  B1 tablets are given to pregnant women with a bit of a disclaimer, but most women do choose to take them and it seems like any potential damage is done in the first trimester, with complications that could have happened anyway without the tablets, such as spina bifida.  I have opted to take them because I'm already at a stage where I have to sleep sitting up, I literally couldn't eat much at all and I've been chewing antacids too much.  The relief has been relatively minor.  Their sole purpose is to make sure I create less stomach acid, but they don't heal the  damage already done.  Still, its better than nothing I have been able to remove one pillow!

I'm really looking forward to May hurrying up!  We have a lot to do in the next couple of months.  I would like to see myself enrolled at uni, PR applications for Canada off, some kind of part time work be it paid or voluntary sorted out and a live in childcare worker. 

Me leaving the job so soon created a real unexpected dip in our finances.  Steve had previously looked at economist roles in Welly, assuming that this would be the place they'd be needed!  He was wrong and what positions there are pay very low.  Just out of interest last week he looked into contract jobs similiar to what he's doing in the UK and was amazed to discover that his skills are in great demand, so much so, he can pretty much write his own pay packet!  Being contract means he can take time out when he needs to focus on the UK job.  Such as this upcoming trip back.  We were so elated to discover this, he had no idea how good his skills were!  He's seeing a couple of recruitment agencies this week, its unfortunate that he can't really arrange anything because of leaving, but when he gets back, he'll leave the NZ job and get stuck in.  This weekend, I watched the Coronation Street omnibus as its finally caught up to where we left it in the UK, afterwards I'm afraid to admit but I cried like a baby!  The overwhelming emotion of homesickness.  In all my years of travelling I have never had it like I have in NZ.  Steve is sure I'm only homesick because we're in NZ and if were anywhere else in the world, I wouldn't feel it so bad.  I think he may be right.  Right now, the UK seems so perfect compared to NZ.  Caught in the emotion I begged Steve to let us sell everything and get the hell of here.  I completely understand why British expats come here and love it so much, I like to hear Jac and Adie talk about it, its such a raw passion for NZ and I only wish I could feel it too.  We drove around some of the suburbs over the weekend to stave off boredom and it all just seemed so bland to me.  I remembered Mexico City, the sounds and smells, how every time you look out the window, you see something different.  How Steve and I could be in hysterics with some of the things we didn't expect!  We watched Man On Fire over the weekend I really enjoyed seeing places we had visited and even lived near!  Such a vibrant culture, such proud people.  Such a truly, beautiful place.  I'm disappointed that I seem to have lost my Spanish.  Its something else to live in a country and be forced to speak another language.  Really makes you feel awake.  You could lose yourself in Mexico City, your own life was so insignificant, you were really a face in the crowd.  And I liked it, sitting outside a cafe, watching the world go by.  The poverty stricken in amongst the filthy rich, the Lincoln Navigators with tinted windows (usually drug dealers) in amongst the green 'botcho' (VW bug taxis) where the driver pulls the door shut with a tired piece of string!  I would love to be in a position to get a holiday home there.  I'm not sure I could live there again with three children - far too much stress!  My sister had mentioned in passing over the telephone that she'd heard Canada had made stricter criteria on gaining permanant residency.  When I did the online test a few years ago, Steve and I just scraped by with a few points over the minimum.  Yesterday I sat and did the test again, anxious to see if our ultimate dream had become more difficult.  I was amazed to discover that, with Steve as the principle applicant we were well over the required points!  The screen flased up, 'Congratulations'  With details of persuing the application.  As much as I could fly there tomorrow, we are both anxious to ensure that we do it all properly with Canada, we don't want any stress, as Canada will become a home for us.  We definitely intend to holiday there though.  Christmas would be my preferred time of year.  In the interim, the South Island could still appeal as a 'fake canada'! 

I'm thoroughly enjoying Autumn, the coolness and the evenings, although aren't quite cold enough, I still like to have the log burner going!  We have this routine now, when the girls go to bed, we tidy the house downstairs, polish the tables, and then light lots of tea lights and the fire!  Its so cozy.  We pull the drapes closed and relax.  The only thing missing is an expensive bottle of red!  Sometimes we watch movies, sometimes we just listen to music.  We could be anywhere else in the world, we don't hear anything from outside and we can't see anybody else.  Its just the fire and candlelight.  I love it and really enjoy the evenings.

Week 18 of the pregnancy and I think I look more pregnant now.  Steve has told me I've looked pregnant for a while, but the truth is, I just looked fat!  My belly is more round and protuding now.  Still no movement from the baby though.  I hope that will happen this week.  The sickness has really tapered off, just heartburn now and I'm eating antacids like smarties at the moment.  We've explained to Moons about the baby.  She keeps shoving teddies up her t-shirt and proclaiming that she's got a baby too!  She understands that She and Pip came from my belly too, but she's also convinced that Steve was once in my belly too!  Looking forward to finding out the sex next week and I'm hoping that this will make me feel more bonded with the baby.  I guess its just because its number 3, but I'm just not feeling this pregnancy like the other two.  I guess I am so busy with two little people, my brain can't really muster more regard for the baby in my belly.  By the end of the day, I'm just chilling out and relaxing and can't be bothered to discuss baby furniture and all things baby orientated.  I guess that sounds mean, but I hope it'll change soon.

The OB gave me an ultrasound, she said the quality isn't great because its not meant to check for any blood clots but my in depth scan on the 14th will provide a good overview.  She said that if there was a haematoma and it was particularly bad she would be able to see dark shadows next to the placenta.  She couldn't, so that provides some relief.  She did go on to say that I shouldn't be having cramping and regular braxtons this early on and if we couldn't detect a reason now, she anticipated we would find the problem later on in pregnancy.  I just wanted to know what the chances were of me continuing the pregnancy.  She said that as there is no bleeding and the baby has a good strong heartbeat, we should have a clear run.  I'll be so glad when we reach 20 weeks onwards.  My pregnancy is treated like an actual baby and they do what they can to save him/her. Whereas at only 16/17 weeks along, I'm still miscarriage material and there's an attitude of a shrug and 'nothing we do can' if I start to lose my baby.  It goes back to that whole argument, when is a life actually a life?  For me its the moment the egg is fertilised.  Steve would argue that its when the stem cells start to specialise.  Still early on.  For people that want to abort, they'll say it isn't a life at all until you're passed 24 weeks, and some people even think its not until the baby takes its first breath when its born.  All I know is that when I miscarried in the first trimester with my first, I felt like I had lost a baby and I grieved.  If I lose a baby this far along, I will be beyond devastated.  But I can't think like that right now, I have to stay positive.  Still not feeling the baby move really doesn't help.  Although I look fatter in the belly, face and arse (!), I don't really look pregnant.  Its a far cry from my previous pregnancies.

Anyway, today its still raining and miserable and I LOVE it!  Reminds me of home.  I just wish it was coming into Christmas.  In my enthusiasm for this change of weather I've suggested we all take a walk.  It reminds me of chilly, dark winter days taking a walked along the Avon in Stratford upon Avon.  Bundling up, having cold noses and then stopping at a warm pub for a beer.  Ahhh, bliss.