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The trials and tribulations of returning to my native England... and attending grad school
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And so it begins... Again
| I feel like I'm preparing for battle. I must convince my family that they needn't concern themselves about me being in England. I'm 22 FGS! What exactly do they think I'm going to do? Phone them up for rides to school? Turn up on the doorstep with my luggage and no where to stay the night? Come for dinner every evening? They won't even see me for pity's sake. I feel more than ever that I should make damn sure that I avoid them all at all costs. Tonight will decide. I wish my mum had let me tell them though- she let the cat out of the bag and now I've got to placate everyone and sooth ruffled feathers for the rest of the summer. Bollocks. |
Posted: 11:49, Tuesday 10 April 2012 |
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Waiting... Waiting... Waiting!!
| *Sigh* It's funny, because even though the years going super fast, I still feel like it's dragging and the summer just won't get here fast enough.
Two things have slowed me down majorly: 1) I'm growing out my hair, and it's taking forever - every month only gives me half an inch more...
2) I'm seriously excited to be heading back to England. The more I think about it the more excited I get, the possibilities are endless! It's only... 6 months away!
And so, even though I can't believe how fast March has gone (because weren't we just in February?) And even though I'll turn around twice and then April will be over, things aren't moving fast enough for me. Go figure. |
Posted: 06:01, Monday 26 March 2012 |
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Buzzing with Excitement!!
| I'm getting ready to do the last thing necessary to secure my position at Uni in London for the coming school year... it's deposit time!!! :D
I've also taken care of starting a lovely little "packing list" which details all the things I'm likely to spend my summer putting into boxes. The thought that I will eventually be looking into shipping companies and stocking up on my USA must-haves is highly exciting.
I've gotten around how much I'll miss my parents by simply not thinking about it. Instead, I've been focusing on how eager I am to find all the things I love about London all around me every day. I've always lived in suburbia, and in America, that's pretty bland to be honest. I can't wait to stretch out and get around on my own steam.
Watching BBC's little youtube clips has made my wait an awful lot more bearable too- I've been obsessing over british tv lately- I can't get over how much better it is than the rubbish over here! I don't think I'll ever really "belong" to America, but I do think I'll be able to see it fresh, with new eyes, once I've been in England. I'll also be able to see London fresh too, living there will be so different- especially on my own. Soooo thrilled right now- I can barely think about anything else! |
Posted: 01:53, Thursday 15 March 2012 |
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A Sudden Turn
| I feel like everything in life happens for a reason, and I stick to that belief- even when it's hard. In the last two weeks, it feels like everything just concentrated, like my view went from a broad open future with a million and one possibilities to a narrow peephole with just one general trajectory. I don't know how I feel about that, I'm still making sense of everything- my feelings included.
I'm torn between being absolutely ecstatic knowing that I'll be living my dream come September, a full 11.5 months earlier than I ever thought I would be, and how much I'll miss my mum and dad while I'm off galavanting. I've gone ahead and accepted the offer from Goldsmiths, although I haven't told my family that yet, and I haven't paid the deposit yet either. I know this was supposed to be a family decision, we keep saying we're all going to sit down and talk about it, and sort out what to do and how we should all handle this, but increasingly, I'm feeling like something is pulling me, and at times pushing me to just get on with it already! If anyone's a Harry Potter fan, the sensation reminds me of what I imagine it would be like to travel via portkeys- a sudden wrenching tug from just behind the navel.
Go figure. I'm still as much of a complete dork as ever, but I'm really looking forward to England with a bunch of things I can't quite put into words. I can sense that this is something I have to do. I can't imagine my life without at least a brief time there. The future's become a jumble of half unfocused images that are all blurred together and all equally possible and impossible. Which I suppose is what the future is. I guess maybe this is the first time I'm seeing it for what's really there?
I'm also starting to worry- for the first time mind you- that I might not like it there. That it might not really be the "home" I've always wanted. This at least I'm managing to take in stride. I think it's a good thing. I'm only going for a year at the moment (Mum wants me back home immediately afterwards, and the US government supports her decision as my GC will be at it's absolute last stretch by then) so I know that it doesn't have to be permanent if I don't want it to be. I feel like even if I hate it, and I'm so homesick I want to puke every night, in year's time I'll have accomplished two of my life's biggest goals: I'll have lived in the UK on my own terms for once, and I'll have earned my master's degree. Everything else can be sorted out afterwards.
I have a sneaking suspicion that I'll love it though. We'll see. I'm okay with just being able to go right now, which is why I'm so eager to go ahead and get my place firmed. I won't pay the deposit until I've had the obligatory family meeting, and the ensuing family tele-com that will put all of our UK-side relatives in the loop. That gives me chills. I'm terrified that they'll just see me as a burden, and that'll really put a damper on things. Still, I'll be taking care of my own accommodations so they needn't worry about housing or feeding me.
We'll see. For now it's just a count down: 7 more months... so soon! |
Posted: 12:43, Wednesday 29 February 2012 |
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RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWR!!!!!!!!
| *Sigh* I cannot wait to get over to the UK and figure out if it'll work for me- I'm terrified that the England I loved on vacations isn't going to be the England I love when I've got to live there full time with my parents thousands of miles away. On the other hand, my relatives will be there, but they don't understand why I'd ever want to live in England having lived here. Either that or they just don't want the additional burden of feeling responsible for me. Relations really are the toughest part of this whole thing. Hence, I feel like I'm truly on my own with wanting to move back. I don't think I can go to them for help should everything go funny shaped. Nor do I think they'll help me pre-move to figure out what I want because they've always looked completely alarmed at the thought of me leaving this blasted country. They keep on saying things like "you're an American!" etc. when I haven't got citizenship, can't vote, and feel like a criminal with the bloody retina scans every time I come into the country. I want to sort it out myself to prove that I don't need them and won't be a burden any further thank you very much. In fact, I want to propose that they needn't see me at all if they're so concerned about me being there. It's a big enough country. I like Brighton and Bristol as well as London, so I could live in another city. I just want them to quit pretending that they so completely understand me- they don't know me at all, and it isn't their fault, but it makes me angry to get told who and what I should be by people who don't have enough background knowledge of my circumstances to comment. >:(
-rant over- kind of. I'm champing at the bit to get them all in front of me so that I can lay it down for them straight forward. |
Posted: 10:47, Sunday 5 February 2012 |
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And So It Begins...
| So, for most of my life I've noticed a certain... I guess, weirdness about me here in the states. As a child I was terrified of the massive cars, crowds and places. I grew up near NYC then moved to Georgia at 16 which is where I am now. As much I like Georgia (I do! The people are lovely, the house is nice, the neighborhood is cool, the weather is phenomenal) I still don't feel comfortable with things like the astute lack of public transportation. Even in NY, I felt like it was all just wrong somehow- not cohesive, not organized, not as easy as I would like. I wanted small cars like VW Beetles and the older Ford Focus when I learned to drive, and I hated things like flying 8 hours and still being in the same country. Everything was always too big, to daunting, too much. I've always found grocery stores here completely overwhelming. Even now, it'll take me easily an hour and a half to grocery shop for one single person - even though I always have a list (if I didn't, I'd take twice as long and leave without buying anything at all). The range of choices is staggering, and I constantly feel like I'm making the wrong decision on which x of x to buy. It's just little weird things like that that have always upset me, which don't bother me at all in England. Odd right? I could go to Dolston market every day and never feel overwhelmed at all. I cruize through Tesco and don't feel like I'm being browbeaten by the sales, slogans, and blaring advertising. I love the smaller cars and roads and houses (they all seem people sized rather than GIGANTIC like everything is here). I feel like I can cope in the UK- which is what started all this off in the first place. I love the transportation (I wouldn't have to drive! No matter where you live in America, you're going to want a car. You just will. I promise.) England just fits me better. From the food (honestly, I hate American food. If there is even such a thing.) to the atmosphere, it just fits better. Having to wait so long has just got me thinking I guess, namely about why I feel so damn attached to a place I've never really gotten to live in. Still, I'm not stupid- at least I hope not. I know it could all turn out to be the biggest failure ever- I might HATE living in the UK. You never know. I won't sit here without trying though. I just won't. It's not my way. When I've made up my mind about something, I have to move forward. I'm tired of feeling utterly helpless, and bound to whatever everyone else wants of me. I have to step up now- I'm an adult in every sense of the word, and it's time to start acting like one. If this will be a mistake, then I'll make it on my own terms. Now onwards to the future. |
Posted: 01:53, Friday 3 February 2012 |
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Finally! The Ball Moves An Inch
| I feel like I've finally started to move in the right direction after so long! Now that I'm *almost* a free woman (graduation is just four months away!!!) I can do what I want- within reason. I've wanted to return to the UK since I was about 8 years old. No one consulted *me* about moving here, my father simply packed up my mother and my infant self and hauled us off to the land of apple pie and Seinfeld. I think I've always known that this wasn't where I needed to be.
Round about the time we started celebrating Thanksgiving (at my insistence), my mother explained that we hadn't celebrated it before because she didn't know what it bloody well was, we were British- only Americans celebrated a dinner that happened hundreds of years ago. Surprise surprise. I didn't know until then that that was why my mother could never remember what age you were supposed to be in what grade, and why people always asked where she was from. And also why it was ALWAYS a protracted nightmare to enroll me in school. (Where's Barking? So she was born there? Is she a US citizen? Uh oh. Well fill this out.) It was also why I couldn't leave the country to attend my Grandfather's funeral that year. And why I grew up thinking I had no cousins, aunts or uncles- just my mum, and later my step-dad.
Since then I've wanted to go back. I've tried to find ways to finagle it (maybe if I jump off the plane now, no one will notice...) but it just seemed like I'd never manage to get there. My mum isn't keen on the idea at all. I'm not surprised, especially since she loves this country, and is more American than I am. But I've always known I didn't belong here. From my earliest memories, I'd sit there surrounded by others feeling somehow apart from them. I was never the right kind of anything to pass as purebred US Grade A girl. There's always been something different about me that makes people ask "where are you from?" And then I have no idea what to say, because we've moved every 1-4 years since I was a baby. Georgia's the longest I've ever lived anywhere, and it looks like this year- year 6 is my last year here.
So I can't wait. I've been back to England several times since I was 11, staying for two months at a time over my summers. Everytime I step off the plane I just get this sense of home that I've never had in America. It's going to hurt to leave my mum and dad, and the only life I've ever known, but I can't stay here much longer. I'm a Brit at heart, and now it's time to go home. |
Posted: 10:27, Wednesday 1 February 2012 |
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