My next door neighbour popped round last night to say that as she knew hubby is up in Darwin she thought I should be aware that they`d heard strange banging noises from either her shed or ours the previous night. She wasn`t sure if it was potential burglars or animals but forwarned is forearmed as they say. Once she left, my mind started spiralling into the realms of paranoia - I nipped round to check the shed and the lock seemed ok but thought I`d make life difficult for any would be burglars by re-aranging stuff. I moved the bikes to the back and  put hubbys tools in the corner next to them. Spotting the tarp that we use to cover the graden table & chairs, I thought it would be a good idea to cover hubbys tools and make them less obvious, I grabbed the tarp & hauled it but just as I pulled it ,the biggest freaking spider I have ever seen in life (it was brown & hairy and about the size of my palm)came scuttling out a few inches from where I had my hand!!  Screaming like an old woman at a Tom Jones concert,(and like an old tart at a  Tom Jones concert I nearly jumped oot of ma knickers!!) I leapt about 10 ft in the air and thought I was going to have a heart attack and scrambled my way out the shed chucking old grannys and small children out of my way as I did so. Once I`d recovered from the shock, I gingerly got the garden fork and lifted the tarp into position (keeping it as far away from me as physically possible) - if hubby wants his tools he is more than welcome to go and move the tarp for them himself.

I then put the BBQ in front and booby trapped the floor with lots of garden implements and pots, on locking the shed I moved  my big plant pots in front of the door and arranged smaller ones around and in between (if anyone wants to nick anything from the shed they`ll be bloody inconvenienced by it at the very least!!) By this this time my paranoia had increased to dizzying heights and I went round and closed and locked every window and door in the house (remember it was pretty warm here in Perth yesterday so it was like being in a sauna as we have no aircon). My daughter went to bed (I made her sleep in my bed with me too) but before I joined her I hid the knife block, put the hammer in the bedroom under my pillow, then decided just in case to put the small knife there too (after all you never know - be prepared as the scouts say). I then got my large can of aeroguard and sat it on the bedside table with the lid off . I had it all planned - any potential burglar who came into the bedroom would get sprayed in the face with aeroguard and then whacked with the hammer, and if they got the hammer off me then I still had the little knife which if nothing else would give them a bad papercut which would hopefully go septic and their hand might drop off!! (though that might not happen in enough time to be any help to me, if they got annoyed with me for whacking them with the hammer). I then got the dog and made her sleep in the bedroom too, so that was all sorted, except the dog fidgeted and snuffled and kept making a racket by going behind the blinds and jumping about. By midnight I was knackered and had eyes like peeholes in the snow, so decided to take my chances without  my vicious guard beside me and shoved her into her own bed in the laundry.  

AAah lovely sleep at last, except whilst asleep I started having a dream about picking up a cup and  big hairy spiders  running out from under the cup - I got such a fright I screamed in my dream but actually screamed in real life and woke myself ,daughter  and the dog, who started going mental and barking  (I think she thought I was being attacked). I got up, calmed child and dog and finally got back to sleep about 2am. 

I woke up this morning about 6am feeling very tired and just a  little bit stupid - ok a lot stupid (everything seems better in the light of day doesn`t it) The knife & hammer have been hidden away where neither I nor any would be burglar can get it too easy but the can of aeroguard is still there just in case!!

PS - yes I know I am a freak!!