Over the past twelve to eighteen months, we (or should I say I) have considered the pros and cons of moving back to the UK from our current home in Houston, Texas.  Friends and family play the predominant role in the emotions surrounding those thoughts, particularly my father who lives on his own at the age of 86.  I visited in December for two weeks, and had dad with me during our travels and during that time I noticed how much more dependent he was than usual just to really get him through the structure of a day:  making sure he’d eaten, taken his tablets, changed his clothes etc.  When I returned, already feeling horrendous for leaving him, I read BE User dreamchaser’s sad post about the loss of her dad.  This really served to increase the torment about what the right thing is to do.

At 86 years old my father is in essence incredibly healthy for such a formidable age.  However, recently he’s started to experience some health, or daily living issues, that a 5,000 mile distance only serves to exacerbate.

My sister and I both live in Houston, whilst dad still lives in the UK.  He’s in sheltered accommodation, so flats that have a warden present during the day but are otherwise for independent living.  No care in terms of medical assistance or any other daily assistance is provided in this particular accommodation.

Recently the Manager of the unit, with whom I email regularly about how dad is, emailed to say he was concerned dad seemed to be confused of late and was doing things a little out of character.  This worried me as the Manager is always singing my dad’s praises in regards to how well he is and how independent he remains.  So, a few phone calls later (some to dad, others to his doctors) demonstrated he indeed was not quite right.  He’d visited the bank at 2am in the morning, believing it was daytime and unable to figure out why everything was closed and no one was around.  Another day he’d woken up in his room convinced it was full of people (“ghosts” he now tells me) that he chatted to throughout the night.  The list of similar episodes extends to a handful of such events.

I went into a panic and was about to book a flight home to figure out what to do when one of my dearest friends offered to go and see him so that she could assess what the current lay of the land was.  She did so, and to my great relief told me to calm myself a little as she didn’t think he was knocking at heaven’s door, but was at the beginning of requiring more help than he currently gets.  Really, she was confirming what I thought at Christmas.  It’s not that he’s ill (all sorts of blood tests have been done and evaluations that can’t pinpoint anything out of place at all) BUT he is obviously lonely and in need of his family. 

Frankly, how dreadful is this predicament to be put in?  I consider myself a loving daughter.  I love my dad very much and can’t bear to think of him like this BUT what on earth is the answer to it?  Of course my heart tells me I need to get back there, or get him here but both of those things are full of hurdles that I’m not sure can be overcome.  I’m being brutally honest in writing this amongst fellow expats who may have experienced such a situation, or may do so in the future, and can tell you I really don’t know what to do.

©BritishExpats Member "ukintexas"